Why Are You Nailing Bread to the Roof?
by Carpe Memento
Summary: A really random story that I wrote out of boredom. Hatori's nailing bread to the roof, Kyo's getting fishslapped, Ritsu's trying to conquer the pancakes. What will come of all this? OOC Finished at last. Sorry, people...
1. Bread

_Mew-chan: Reader beware; this story is really random and may be more than three chapters in the future._

_Disclaimer-_

_Mew-chan: I don't own Fruits Basket or any of the characters… as much as I love Shigure… I don't own IHOP either, and I don't like pancakes… Why do I write about them? Hm… well, onward to…_

**Why are you Nailing Bread to the Roof?**

One fine day, Shigure Sohma was taking a walk. "I'm Shigure and I'm taking a walk!" said Shigure while he was taking a walk.

Meanwhile at the Main House Across the Street

Akito sat in her room, watching a TV that had fallen through the ceiling.

"HATORI!" she yelled, "Where did this television come from?"

Hatori was on the roof... nailing bread to it to prepare for the oncoming storm. "Shut up!" he yelled in response, "I'm nailing bread to the roof."

"If you don't get down her and tell me right now I'll nail bread to YOU!"

"But all the bread's on the roof."

Meanwhile at Shigure's House

Tohru was cooking breakfast- at 4 pm. She looked around, confused. Seeing Kyo, she asked him, "Kyo-kun, where's Shigure-san? If he doesn't hurry back, his breakfast'll get cold!"

"Beats me." grunted Kyo, "I think he said he was going for a walk." Suddenly a giant tuna fish appeared out of nowhere and smacked him across the face. "HEY! I just got smacked by a huge tuna!" he yelped, trying to stop a bad nosebleed.

Yuki was standing in the hallway, listening to the conversation. He jumped into the kitchen, put on his best Arnold Schwarzenegger voice and said "It's not a tuna!"

"Yes it was."

"No it wasn't."

"Was too"

"Was not"

"Was too"

"Was not"

"Was too"

"Was not"

"Was too"

"Was not"

"Was too"

"Was not"

"Was too"

"Was not"

"Was too"

"Was not"

"Was too"

"Was not"

This could take a while...

Meanwhile, in a Building Far, Far Away

Ritsu sat in front of a desk, thinking deeply. In front of him lay blueprints and folders and pages and pages of notes. All of them where on I.H.O.P and other pancake restaurants. He also wore a badge... it read;

Ritsu Sohma, Supreme Lord of the Pancakes

Strange, last week it was oatmeal...

"Why must all my evil plans fail, Mr. Poofyfoot?" he asked, talking to a lizard sitting on the desk. 'Mr. Poofyfoot' looked up at Ritsu and shook his head. Someday, he was going to tell him just how dumb he sounded sometimes. "They all laugh now, but someday, I will succeed! Then we'll see who's laughing... I'll then be called SUPREME LORD OF THE PANCAKES!"

Meawhile, Back at the Sohma Main House

"Hatori, why are you nailing bread to the roof?" asked Momiji, drinking a triple fudge mocha frappachino with icing and sprinkles and a whole lot of hot sauce.

Yuck.

Hatori looked at him like a fish would an airplane and said, "Duh, it's the only thing that'll protect us from the storm!"

"What storm?"

"The gravy storm tomarrow! Do you KNOW how hard it is to get gravy from roof shingles?"

"No."

"Well it's hard."

"Why?"

"Because it soaks in."

"How?"

"The wavy gravy soaks into roof shingles."

"Oooh... what gravy?"

"Oh, man... I'm out of bread!"

"I'll get it!"

The hyper Momiji ran into the house, and ran right into Kisa, who for some reason had been wearing glasses until they came flying off her face due to impact.

"Don't anyone move!" Kisa yelped, "I can't see!"

"I didn't know you wore glasses." said Momiji.

"Yeah, i just got them yesterday, Momiji." she replied.

"How do you know who i am if you can't see?"

"I read the text."

"But you can't-"

"I can do anything as long as i put my mind to it!"

Oh, boy... this might take a while, also...

Meanwhile Back at Shigure's House

"Was too"

"Was not"

"Was too"

"Was not"

"Was not"

"WAS TOO! HAH!" yelled Yuki. Then, realizing his mistake, clapped his hands to hide mouth.

Shigure then walked through the door.

"Ahhh! He's a ghost!" screamed Tohru, "The text said he walked through the door!"

"It was open." said Shigure.

"Oh." replied Tohru.

"Ring ring!" said the phone.

"Now the phone is talking!" Tohru yelled.

"Ah!" yelled Yuki

"Ah"Yelled Kyo

"Ah!" Yelled Tohru

"Hello?" said Shigure picking up phone, "No, my refrigerator is not running, it happens to be skipping, now good day, sir."

Meawhile Somewhere in the Dessert

Ayame sat upon a giant glob of ice cream eating handfuls of chocolate sauce. "Yummy." He commented, "But i do prefer strawberry."

_Mew-chan: I hope you like this first chapter, I plan to add a couple more later. If there's anything that you'd like to see happen in this story, please post it in a review. Thank you and please review. Now, what was I doing a second ago? Oh, yeah…_


	2. Spit

_Mew-chan: Hello, there and welcome to WAYBR Chapter two. I thank you all for your reviews, and for those of you who didn't review, but still read it, I also thank you anyway. I guarantee randomness and treachery in this chapter:Evil Cackle: Okay, maybe not the last one..._

Disclaimer:

I, Mew-chan, do not own Fruits Basket… (Sadly that includes Shigure) …also I do not own IHOP, Etch-a-Sketch, or VISA.

_Now, the moment you've all been waiting for…_

**Why are you Nailing bread to the Roof?**

**Chapter Two**

Akito lay unconscious in a hospital bead. She apparently had gone into a coma from watching bad soaps.

"Ding, dong, the witch is dead!' sang Hiro.

"She's just in a coma." replied Hatori, secretly thinking about how sloppy of a job he had done nailing the bread to the roof.

"Well 'ding, dong, the witch has gone into a coma from watching bad TV shows' doesn't fit the tune very well, does it?"

Suddenly, the manipulative head of the Sohma family sat up in bed, eyes still closed, and yelled "SPIT!"

And that is what she did, right on Hatori's nice, new suit.

She had been doing thins every ten minutes for the past hour or so.

"I'm beginning to think she _may _be doing this on purpose…" said Hatori, busily cleaning up the saliva on his jacket.

Hiro looked at the heart rate monitor. It was just a thin line running across the screen.

"Hey, Hatori-san? Doesn't that line mean she's dead?" he asked, pointing at the screen.

Hatori gasped, "I hoped you wouldn't notice that. I had to use an Etch-a-Sketch… I'm just the family's doctor, and Akito is sooo cheap that I can't afford to but good equipment and still buy my fancy suits and my cool car."

"Hm, good point."

_-Meanwhile, at IHOP Somewhere-_

Ritsu ran into the building with a skimask on his face and a ballpoint pen in hand.

"Gimmie all your pancakes!" he yelled, pointing the pen at the register- backwards.

"Will you be paying in cash, or will you be using a credit card?" asked the teen at the counter.

The monkey thought for a moment, and then said, "Do you take Visa?

Isn't he a fantastic robber?

_-Meanwhile at the Main House-_

Kureno was going crazy. He ran in many circles, singing _I Like to Move it Move it_.

"I like to move it mo-" a fly collided with the rooster's forehead. He stopped, "Who hit me? Dang bugs… where was I? Oh, yeah…" He continued running and singing.

_-Meanwhile, in a Forest Somewhere-_

Kagura stood in front of a tree, talking to it.

"Bill, there's something I have to tell you. Ever since I first saw you, I knew… I'm madly in love with you! Do you feel the same about me?"

She waited for a response.

"ANSWER ME!" She yelled. All she could hear was the echo of her voice.

_Me, me, me…_

"Don't MOCK me!"

_Me, me, me…_

She burst into tears and ran home.

(Mew-chan: Too weird… I just creeped myself out, sorry if I creeped you out, also.)

_-Meanwhile at Shigure's House-_

Ayame came in through the sliding paper door. "Gure-san, may I speak with you?" he asked his childhood friend.

"Of corse, but you might want to hurry, Mii-chan I coming soon."

"Good." Ayame sat down, "I have always been afraid of snakes. For as looong as I can remember."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Snakes?"

"SNAKES? WHERE!" Yelled the snake, getting up, and running out the door, screaming "Don't let it get me!"

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_Mew-chan: Well, that's all I feel like writing tonight. Thank you for reading, and please take the time to hit that lovely 'submit review' button nearby. The next chapter I will write when I can get 5 reviews for this one, so please, If you want to see another chapter, just review. I hope you enjoyed this chapter… _

**Over and out!**


	3. Pancakes

_Mew-chan: Hey, Mew-chan here. Thank you all so much for your reviews, so here is you long-awaited chapter three. I had to overcome a huge writers block to get this out, so remember, I've always got an open mind for suggestions for this story. :) I'd like to thank my sister who's helped me out here and there with writing this story. This chapter holds one of the biggest plot twists ever- we find out there really is a plot! (Insert gasps here) I know, even I was surprised. Oh, and by the way, I'm not sure where exactly Ritsu lives, so I just put him in the main house. xD Sorry. That was my best guess, though._

Disclaimer:

Mew-chan does not own Fruits Basket, (but she does like to think she owns Shigure, even if it is probably a supreme lie, please don't rain on her parade with flames) nor does she own IHOP, or more pancakes than can fit in a closet.

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_And here it is:_

**Why Are You Nailing Bread to the Roof?**

**Chapter Three**

(Here goes the dramatic music, feel free to play some:D)

Kyo struck a heroic pose. "We must find the tuna who caused my great injury!"

"Honda-san! Kyo used a big word!" whined Yuki.

"Were should we begin our search, O wise one?

Kyo thought for a moment, then said "Ritsu's place."

Two hours later, after much confusion and searching for a map, and random martial arts battles, they were at the main Sohma house. Hatori had come back to nailing bread to the roof, and Momiji was sitting in a lawn chair watching him.

"You missed a spot," called the rabbit.

"You aren't helping." Groaned Hatori.

"Das ist auch so!"

Thus, a shouting match began. They weren't sure what they were arguing about, but both believed they were right.

Yuki, who had the map, was busily trying to figure out where they got lost and why they were back at the entrance again. "We were just here, so we should be there, but why are we all the way over here again? And why is this map in Polish for Pete's sake?"

"I'd like some saké" said Tohru.

"Hey, Yuki-chan?" said Kyo in a ditzy voice, "Lemme see the map?"

"Did you say 'lemme' or 'lemming'?"

"Uh…" he thought for a while, "Lemme?"

"Than no."

"But what if I said lemming?"

"Did you?"

"Yeah?"

"Than, here you go!"

"Tohru wants some saké!" said Tohru

"Hey, if you hold this map upside down, it almost looks like it's in English!" exclaimed Kyo.

"Forget English, let's just ask for directions." replied Yuki.

"Are you kidding me?"

"C'mon let's ask Hatori!"

"No way, I'm not asking for directions!"

"What is it with guys and asking for directions?"

"Hiii Ritsu!" sang Tohru, waving to Ritsu, who happened to be walking by, "Where do you live?"

Ritsu waved nervously and said, "I live right behind you." He twitched.

"Okay, good! Look out, there's an evil tuna on the loose!"

Ritsu screamed and ran away.

"That was rude!" whimpered Tohru.

Kyo and Yuki shrugged, and they went into the house.

"Nobody locks doors around here, huh?" marveled Tohru.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrre, Tuna fish!" called Kyo.

Yuki was searching through a pile a papers on the desk for helpful clues. Then, he found the most useful evidence they'd find that day… the IHOP blueprints. He looked at them, puzzled. He motioned to Kyo. Both inspected the map of the whole country, and then another one of the whole world. Little red x's marked the IHOP restaurants around the globe. The only one that didn't seem to be crossed out was right down the block from where they were standing- next to Kagura's house.

"What would a tuna fish want with pancakes?"

"I dunno…"

Tohru opened a closet in the next room. More pancakes than could logically fit in the closet came tumbling out, filling the room and burring Tohru.

"Honda-san, are you alright?"

They both heard a muffled yell from below the flat breakfast food.

"Where is she, you dang cat?"

"Under the pancakes!"

"Duh, I knew that, but where under the pancakes?"

"There's only one way to find out- EAT! Eat like you've never eaten before!"

"No way, do you know just how many calories are in those things?"

"No, how many?"

"Well, I would guess… a whole lot."

Suddenly, Tohru's arm shot up from under the pancakes like something out of a horror movie when the zombies come out to feed on the brains of the living or possibly the other zombies who are unlucky enough to be fresh.

"AHH!" yelled Yuki, wetting himself.

"Well, now I hope you don't expect me to eat those!"

After they successfully got Tohru out of the heap the breakfast, they sat down at the table in the living room.

"What could a single person want with all those pancakes?" wondered Kyo.

"Maybe he's actually got the evil tuna hiding somewhere in here, and he feeds it pancakes!" cried Tohru.

"Well, maybe the places marked on the map are the places where the tuna has gone, and maybe stopped for a snack during his evil deeds?"

"We have to warn everyone." said Yuki.

Little did they know, outside the gravy storm was just beginning.

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_Mew-chan: Well, I hope you enjoyed this last chapter- like I said I had a writer's block. Please review, I'll be putting up the 4th chapter shortly after the 5th review, so if you want to see more here, a review will send me the message. I'm all randomed-out today… so, until next time, Ja ne!_


	4. Finalnessness

**Why are you Nailing Bread to the Roof?**

_Final Chapter_

Mew: Hi, people. Mew-chan here, I know it's been forever since I updated this, I ran out of ideas. Well, anyway, I'm going to try to answer those unasked questions about what's going on in the story. (I have a lot, too, don't worry about it) This is the final chapter, I'm getting tired of writing this because I wanna focus more on my Harvest Moon stories, but I may someday write a sequel to this, if people really like this. Well, I guess I'll go on with the story, because you prolly didn't come to read a really long apology note… I'll continue it at the bottom, okay?

Disclaimer: Mew doesn't own IHOP, Fruits Basket, Moogles from Final Fantasy and such, PS2, Hannah Montana

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_Where did I leave off?_ The narrator wondered. She looked through all her papers from last time, and finally found it, _Ah, yes, there…_

Yuki, Tohru and Kyo were running through the beginning drizzle of gravy. They had brought umbrellas, but the gravy was more like hail than rain, and it broke holes in the umbrellas. All but Tohru's. Her's was steel-enforced! Anywho, Hatori was still nailing bread to the roof, it was about the third coat, but no one had expected the gravy to be as thick and heavy as it was, and the roof would soon look like Swiss Cheese, no matter how much bread was there.

"Hatori, you're going to get hurt up there!" Tohru yelled.

"Yeaw, Huturi!" Kyo tried to yell, but had been previously been trying to catch some gravy on his tongue resulting in bruising and future medical attention.

"No! I have to finish nailing this bread to the roof!" a big glob of gravy hit him on the head and sent him flying trough the hole the TV came from in Chapter One, and landing on a pile of Moogles.

"Kupo!" one Moogle yelled, and send a powerful fira attack at the hammer in Hatori's hand. Nothing happened, for the hammer was fireproof, so they all went to throw popcorn in a Hannah Montana concert.

Yuki blinked as five pounds of gravy fell on his new shirt. "Lyke, Ohemgee! I just, lyke, bought that!" he screamed and ran to the nearest mall to buy a new shirt.

"Should we wait?" asked Tohru.

Kyo shook his head.

"Okies!" she said, and skipped off, tripping over a bucket lying on the ground.

Kagura's head popped out the window of a nearby building, "Kyo, what happened?"

"Tohru kicked the bucket."

"Call the hospital!"

"No, not _that _kind of 'kicking buckets', she tripped over your darn bucket and is now on the ground."

"Oh." Said Kagura.

"Mmmmffffrrmm!" Tohru said, which in English is more like, "We must hurry and tell Kagura about the tuna so that she and her loud mouth can tell everyone else in the main house!" So much a 'm' can say, huh?

Anyway, what was I talking about? I got up to get a cola and lost my train of thought… Oh, yeah, there we were!

**Meanwhile at Some Store in a Mall Somewhere:**

"What do you mean this doesn't come in my size?" Yuki asked a very bored looking employee at the store.

"I bet you can answer that question yourself." She said, filing her nails boredly.

Suddenly there was a loud crackle noise, like a cat playing with aluminum foil on top of bubble wrap, and there, in all its evil, was a cat playing with aluminum foil on top of bubble wrap with string in its mouth! The cat looked up, with the string hanging out of its mouth, and hissed, then ran away, taking it bubble wrap and aluminum foil and string with it.

Gosh I hate it when that happens!

**Meanwhile at Shigure's House**

Shigure was writing about his one true love, silly putty. So soft… so easy to move, so sticky, so stuck in the ceiling fan, he couldn't get enough of it!

Mitsuru stormed in through the door, "You never make your deadlines and always slouch around playing with play dough-"

"Silly putty!"

"I don't care what it is! I'm leaving you!" she threw down a big book on the desk, making it crack in half, "I am not your editor anymore!" She stormed out of the house, got into her car, and drove away.

At first Shigure thought about running after her and calling her back, but then he decided "Hey, she's just my editor, who wouldn't want to be the editor of a shmexy man like me? Her loss, not mine," and went back to writing about his soft, not-so-tasty, love. Silly putty.

**Back at the Main House**

Kureno was playing chess with the computer when the rain started. He had never in his life played chess before, and the computer was kicking his butt. Then, a glob of gravy hit the window, leaving a crack. "Aw, not this again!" he yelled, running to get the fire extinguisher.

"Kureno, where's my coffee?" Akito yelled from the other room, she had magically come out of a coma in the previous chapter out of the narration. She's sneaky like that.

"No coffee now! Someone playing pong outside!" Kureno yelled in monotone and sprayed the outside with the white snowy stuff that came out of the fire extinguisher. To his surprise, the gravy kept coming.

Suddenly, a tuna fish of unusual size floated by, and kicked Kureno in the shin. How a fish kicks is beyond me, so don't ask.

"Yowch!" Kureno yelled, clutching his burning shin.

Kyo and Tohru came running around the corner, "GET THAT TUNA!"

Kureno screamed and jumped out of the way.

The tuna was now caught in a corner. Kyo was just about to jump on it when a net popped out of nowhere and pulled the tuna out. Kyo growled and looked up to see who took his tuna, only to find a guy in tights wearing a mask and costume similar to Superman, only with a big "T" on it. "Who are you?" Kyo yelled.

"I am from the Super Organization of Unwanted People (SOUP) fighting for all those unwanted people out there, and this tuna is very much unwanted, so I have to take it to find a new, better home." Suddenly, he pulled out a PS2 and smacked Kyo over the head with it, "YOU CAN'T COME!" and then they were gone.

"Wow," said Tohru, "So the tuna's gone."

Kyo nodded solemnly.

"So, where's the plot now?"

"I guess it's gone…"

"Will the rain ever stop?"

"It'll rain 'till the end."

**The End**

Mew-chan: I'm very sorry to have to end this story. This was the final chapter. I'd like the thank all of my friends who looked over my shoulder while I was writing this and made corrections, and the people who just read it. I also want to thank my reviewers for reviewing, without you guys, there wouldn't be a story. I have more stories then just this one, though, so if you like Kingdom Hearts or Harvest Moon, I've got a few of those. Dun worry, I'll write more random stories. Please review…. Farewell and thanks…

-M e w c h a n


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